Thursday, October 21, 2010

Blogger Done Broke RSS Feeds

I'm gonna give it to you straight: Blogger broke its video podcast encoding, and I'm not super smart. Until I get someone who can make my video enclosures syndicate properly, I'm going to be feedless.

I'm still posting videos at, don't worry.

I'll get this fixed as soon as I can.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Knights of the Really Old Republic

I figured since I have this blog format going, and it won't disrupt the iTunes feed, I really should start reviewing games on here, instead of spamming my Twitter followers with dozens of messages about whatever game I'm playing. I mean. I'll still do that. But anything requiring more than 140 characters to explain will go here. Not turning this into a reviews site, don't worry. Still going to concentrate on the burly men of the games we love.


I picked up Knights of the Old Republic when I got my XBox back in 2004. Yeah, the system was rendered obsolete a year later. I know. I also bought a Gamecube in 2004, which also died a year later. I never finished the game. Not because I disliked it, but because I was expecting something either like the old Gold Box games of the late 80s, or like Final Fantasy. Knights of the Old Republic was neither. My experience with BioWare games, to this point, was limited to the 2 or 3 hours that I put into Baldur's Gate, another game which did not play in any way as I thought it would.

These games are complicated in a whole different way than their turn-based predecessors, and I think I was confused by the combination of an action-looking, real-time presentation, and the turn-based nature of the combat. To put it succinctly, I didn't get it. So I shelved it for a while, pulling it out again every one and a while and trying furtively to get somewhere in the game.

Five and a half years later, I finish the dang thing.

The main impetus for actually getting a handle on the subtleties of KotOR's combat was finishing Mass Effect 1 and Dragon Age: Origins. This combined with really diving into the RPG genre, and trying harder to understand RPG systems, made it much easier to come back to these games. I wasn't confused any more. I understood all the stats. I no longer used the Auto Level feature. (I learned the folly of the Auto Level feature in Dragon Age, after realizing 30 hours in that my version of Morrigan was practically useless because Auto Level chooses not to concentrate on any area-of-effect spells.) Trying to complete Dragon Age on Normal made me understand the importance of party composition as well. This might seem basic to anyone who has played MMOs, but somehow I never realized why I should, in fact, have a mage, healer, tank, and damage dealer in a party. I was against the whole idea in general, because I felt that basing your party on what would win the most battles was a lazy form of min-maxing, and I liked to compose my party of characters I, you know, liked. In JRPGs you can - mostly - get away with this. In Dragon Age, you can't.

After the grueling lesson that was Dragon Age for me, Knights of the Old Republic was a relatively simple venture. Every class was reasonably good at combat. The tech trees were limited. I was pausing and commanding everyone easily. The only battle that I had any problems with was the final one, as long as I didn't do anything stupid. If I found anything too tough, I just put Jolee and the Cathar Jedi in the party, because Jedis are pretty much invincible. My scoundrel-turned-Jedi Dyke Spacelover was, as is always my choice when I play through these Moral Choice games, a goodie-goodie, going out of her way to save pretty much everyone in the galaxy.

The difference between Mass Effect and Knights of the Old Republic are pronounced. KotOR has more dialogue, but the presentation was flat even for 2003. It's a seven year old game at this point, so I was fine with it - the writing was general lively, and many of the characters were enjoyable. After playing through Dragon Age and Mass Effect, though, you do get a sense of the stock sense of humor and sensibilities of the BioWare writers. They have a reasonably good sense of humor, but very little is laugh out loud funny. KotOR's moral decisions had definite right answers, wrong answers, and sociopathic answers, and there was no real reward for trying to play a balanced, middle-of-the-road moral code. The game's best moments were those that involved Mission and Carth, in my opinion. Of course, since I was a nice, pleasant Jedi, they weren't harping on about my moral choices. HK47 had some of the most clever dialogue, but after several hours of Shale in Dragon Age, it all seemed a little familiar.

There is absolutely nothing cinematic about KotOR. Games had, for the most part, not quite hit that level of cinematic appeal outside of Japan at this point. The cutscenes all play out either in static close-ups, or wide overhead shots. But the lack of cinematic qualities in KotOR also extends to the plot. There's plenty of backstory, a wad of good dialogue, and a heroic arc. But there is no tension whatsoever. There is almost never excitement. You clear a room, and move on. Perhaps the only exciting moments in the game are the first fight with Calo Nord, during the Sith orbital bombardment of Talos, and the final epic showdown with Malak and his new apprentice.

Knights of the Old Republic II, even though it was developed by Obsidian, bridges the gap between KotOR and Mass Effect almost perfectly. I'm about twelve hours in now, and the difference in narrative is striking. It does feel more constrictive than KotOR I, and the trade-off is a much better sense of urgency, and set pieces that are constantly pushing you forward. The opening training sequence with T3-M4 bests anything that the first game had to offer in terms of excitement, and that was a training mission.

It feels much more like Star Wars, too. Not that KotOR I had a lack of Star Wars elements. It had Banthas and Twi'ileks and lightsabers aplenty. In the first game, though, T3 was a complete non-character. He did nothing and said nothing, except for occasionally generating computer spikes for you. The BioWare writers never got the hang of how characters spoke to T3. Here, he is bitchy and funny, and yet never communicates with anything but the R2 squawks. Other robot interactions are great, too. There is one memorable sequence where you can sneak into a base by reprogramming a protocol droid with your agenda, and giving it the ability to lie. Although these conversations lack the usual range of dialogue choices, they have to be some of the funniest stuff I've read in a game in years.

I'm not sure how much BioWare was influenced by KotOR II, but it seems like much of the darker narrative, characters with distinct secret agendas, and more set-piece oriented design has leaked into their later games.

The voice cast features Timothy Omundsen, too, which is both distracting and awesome. He does seem to be doing every other voice in the game, though. Atton Rand's voice actor, Nicky Katt, is downright terrible though. The character is cool, a deliberately Han Solo role, but his delivery comes off grating or odd.

I should mention that my character in KotOR II is Vag LeCouer. Also, it does not seem to be accessing any information about my KotOR I save. It makes up for it by asking me whether or not my character in KotOR I was good, and what gender she was. But then it forgets and calls her a him.

Bears In Games Versus Final Fight 2

Johnny and Robbie tackle Final Fight 2 to ask: has the game got less gay?
Alright, here's a Let's Play of sorts for the first couple of stages of Capcom's Final Fight. Johnny and Robbie tackle this brawler to answer the question: has Final Fight become less gay? (The answer? Yeah, kinda.) This episode has some interesting appearances, including Guy, Cody, and a skinny background version of Chun Li! We discuss the longevity of the brawler genre, what can be considered modern descendants of the brawler, ask what's semaphore, and spy a scrawny Guile! Maybe it's Guile's french cousin, Guillaume. Sorry 'bout the audio glitch near the end - mic cut out so we just had camera audio during our fun encounter with Freddie!

Bears In Games - Super Slash Greek Heroes

Rise of the Argonauts, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and Muscle March all get their chance to show off the biggest, burliest, and Greekiest of musclemen in this episode of Bears In Games!
First: Rise of the Argonauts! You think a game set in the Greek era with huge and muscular bearish guys would be easy to do an episode on. Hm. Nope. Mostly I just gripe about the terrible writing and pacing of the cutscenes. The game itself, when there is combat, actually plays nicely. Combat is fun, and the combos work well. Hercules is hot - really hot - but that doesn't save the game from being mostly mind numbing. That's too bad. Also: it breaks! Twice!

Then we have the Batman. Or is it just Batman? After a brief aside in which I mourn the loss of Siren: Blood Curse from my PS3 hard drive, I plow ahead to check out Rocksteady's Batman: Arkham Asylum. Yep, Batman's pretty beefy in this game. But that doesn't make Batman a bear, does it? We take a brief trip through Batman's history to see where and when he can be considered bearish. Other topics come up too, like: I would make a terrible superhero, Bane is sometimes super hot, and lobotomized musclebears, hot or not?

Finally, we close out with the straightest game of all time! After sitting on my Wii's SD card for nearly a month, I break out my copy of Muscle March and record - live - my first five minutes of playing it. It's quite something. The mechanics are quite simple, it just reads the up and down tilt sensors in the Wiimote. But! Muscle men! Thongs! Bears! Gaiety! An opening which looks like a weird mashup of Cho Aniki and Katamari Damacy!

Bears In Games Best Of 2009

You take the good, you take the bad, you talk about bears for a while, and there you have... the Bears In Games Best Of 2009 Awards! Featuring Our Fantastic Returning Guest Hosts Robbie, from Japan, and Max from!

The ground rules for this podcast was that we actually purchased and played the games which we bitch about. This narrows the playing field somewhat, except for Johnny, who has a very flexible idea of what is worth purchasing if it costs under $20. We start with the part that everyone loves... the Worst of 2009. What pissed us off? What annoyed us? What makes downright lazy game design? Contenders include Tomb Raider Underworld, Silent Hill: Homecoming, the original PlayStation Resident Evil, and more! We then move on to the Bear Awards, where we discuss the hottest bears to come out in 2009, as well as our most secret, shameful choices. There may be some Rufus discussed. And, as you can guess, Zangief makes a triumphant comeback. Finally, we talk about our choices for Game of the Year! You may be shocked! You may be stunned!

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bears In Games - Dragon Age Of Gay Dating

Dragon Age is here! Dragon Age is Queer! Get over it! Yeah, it ain't just Zevran who can get man-on-man action in Dragon Age! And he's not the only gay character either!

Bears In Games tackles the important subject of Dragon Age this week. It's true, there is gay banging in Dragon Age, involving elves, dwarves, humans, Qunari, you name it! But that's not the only reason a lover of the bearish type should purchase the game; for one thing, it's Dwarf character model is pretty damned hot. And you can make everyone in your party through off their clothes and go adventuring in just a jock strap. So we start off by having a look at the character creator, which honestly has some of the best options for creating a hot character that we've seen. Perhaps second only to Saints Row 2. Then we take this Dwarf adventuring, and see how much better the cut scenes are once you remove the clothing. (The answer? Infinitely better. Particularly when your father notes how great you look "in your great grandfather's armor.") Finally we finish with Kevin the Dwarf, Johnny's custom character, based on a heterosexual friend of John's, as he breaks hearts across Ferelden.

Bears In Games - Street Fighter Mantacular Part 4

Street Fighter IV! And more Street Fighter IV! We end the Bears In Games One Year Anniversary Street Fighter Mantacular by seeing what our favorite Street Fighters are up to now. Plus: a very special montage.

Johnny and Robbie go head to head with some Street Fighter IV action! But, first, Johnny has to admit that he hasn't actually unlocked much in the game, due to the draconian unlocking policies. Which is too bad, because Gouken is totally a bear. Actually, everyone is looking a whole lot more ripped these days, from Chun-Li's Bear Thighs to Ryu's throbbing pectorals. And then there's Rufus. Johnny loves Rufus! He's so pleasantly dumb. And everything is capped off with a look at the cutscenes of Zangief and Rufus, and finally a Bears In Games One Year Anniversary Montage aimed at everyone's favorite gay bear character! Shananana!