Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Dragon Age is here! Dragon Age is Queer! Get over it! Yeah, it ain't just Zevran who can get man-on-man action in Dragon Age! And he's not the only gay character either!
Bears In Games tackles the important subject of Dragon Age this week. It's true, there is gay banging in Dragon Age, involving elves, dwarves, humans, Qunari, you name it! But that's not the only reason a lover of the bearish type should purchase the game; for one thing, it's Dwarf character model is pretty damned hot. And you can make everyone in your party through off their clothes and go adventuring in just a jock strap. So we start off by having a look at the character creator, which honestly has some of the best options for creating a hot character that we've seen. Perhaps second only to Saints Row 2. Then we take this Dwarf adventuring, and see how much better the cut scenes are once you remove the clothing. (The answer? Infinitely better. Particularly when your father notes how great you look "in your great grandfather's armor.") Finally we finish with Kevin the Dwarf, Johnny's custom character, based on a heterosexual friend of John's, as he breaks hearts across Ferelden.
Street Fighter IV! And more Street Fighter IV! We end the Bears In Games One Year Anniversary Street Fighter Mantacular by seeing what our favorite Street Fighters are up to now. Plus: a very special montage.
Johnny and Robbie go head to head with some Street Fighter IV action! But, first, Johnny has to admit that he hasn't actually unlocked much in the game, due to the draconian unlocking policies. Which is too bad, because Gouken is totally a bear. Actually, everyone is looking a whole lot more ripped these days, from Chun-Li's Bear Thighs to Ryu's throbbing pectorals. And then there's Rufus. Johnny loves Rufus! He's so pleasantly dumb. And everything is capped off with a look at the cutscenes of Zangief and Rufus, and finally a Bears In Games One Year Anniversary Montage aimed at everyone's favorite gay bear character! Shananana!
Part 3 just checks out one game - but when you realize that it's Marvel Versus Capcom 2, you can understand why it takes about twenty minutes to go through all the burly, sweaty manliness that is contained inside.
If you are a fan of comic books, you might want to skip this one; Johnny and Robbie know next to nothing about them, and confuse "X-Men" with "Ultimate X-Men" or something shameful like that, and can't figure out why they're trying to slip in TWO Wolverines. But Marvel Versus Capcom 2 is a beartacular filled with bears and bearishness. Just exactly who is hot in this game? Lessee. Thanos? Maybe? Wolverine definitely qualifies. Sabretooth, yep. Zangief, of course. ("His big, burly shoulders are good to... HUG ya!") When ANAKARIS was alive, perhaps? Juggernaut! Gay Russian Colossus! M. Bison! The Hulk! Sadly, the Marvel fan seems to be much more on the bearish side than the Capcom side - apparently they didn't take enough characters from Saturday Night Slam Masters.
We continue our unwanted assault on Street Fighter with Street Fighter III, which along with Gem Fighter is considered the pinnacle of 2D fighting. Also, we look at Gem Fighter. Played at all the events on the Hard Core Tournament Scene.
Street Fighter III: Third Strike is one of Robbie's favorite games, and all kidding aside is thought of as possibly the premiere 2D fighting game. It's sheer skill, and the heights you can reach as a player are pretty crazy. You won't see much of that here, of course. It's just Johnny and Robbie picking apart the lack of bears in the game, and Johnny making frequent Streets of Rage II references which apparently just fly over everyone's heads. Skate! He's like Skate! So Hugo IS one of the Andore brothers, which explains the appearance of Poison during his victory pose. And he's the one bearish guy in the game, but he looks like a sad combination of FAS and repeated blows to the head. He's based somewhat on Andre the Giant, who was hot but never much of a looker.
Gem Fighter makes Johnny uncomfortable. It's based on the cute Super Deformed versions of the Street Fighter crew from Puzzle Fighter, but they're back together again for a... fighting game! And a very playable one, too. It's a little reminiscent of Mighty Final Fight, the NES SD adaptation of the burly-man filled arcade hit. So why does it make Johnny uncomfortable? Because they keep dressing Zangief in vaguely fetish-wear type outfits, except that it's a cutesy, silly version of Zangief that no sane person should find attractive. So it's driving Johnny to therapy, you see.
Bears In Games is a year old! And we celebrate with the manliest game series of all time, Street Fighter! Join Johnny and guest-host Robbie as they plow through Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix, Street Fighter EX 3, and the Street Fighter II Anniversary Edition!
Super Street Fighter II HD Remix is the first subject of our analysis, and we pick apart its Udon take on the Street Fighter characters. It's a great looking game, though some background animation perhaps has a little bit too much GI Joe quality about it, however there's one part of the package that isn't quite up to par: and that's Zangief's package. Seriously, it looks like he got some kind of strange groin reduction for this HD version. Johnny is happy enough with his purchase of the game, simply because it's great to have a definitive version of the epic 2D fighter, but Robbie is glad that he didn't spend money on it. Ah well, there's no pleasing everyone.
Street Fighter EX3, however, is a real head-turner. What looks like digitized FMV turns out to be "computer graphics" of "models" based on the 2D Ryu and Ken fighting! Who knew! The photo-realism is blinding. BLINDING. Also great is the classic cast of characters, sure to please all Capcom die-hards: there is Sharon, Skullomania, and of course Doctrine Dark!
Then we head over the the Street Fighter Anniversary Collection, which enables you to see who would really win in a fight: Street Fighter II Zangief, or Street Fighter II Turbo Zangief! We've always wanted to know, now is our chance to check it out. Seriously, though, it's a great way to see how the character art and moves progressed over the years. Zangief went from a kind of deformed troll to the muscle stud that he is today during this time, so it's worth playing!