Thursday, August 6, 2009

Bears In Games - Manly Sports And The Bears The Do Them

Firstly, Johnny checks out the Bears of Beijing 2008! Or should it be BEARjing? Huh? In this episode of BearsInGames, Johnny is inspired by the hot burliness of Olympic athletes Manolo Martinez and Matthias Steiner into renting and playing a few events in Sega's Olympic tie-in Beijing '08. Did it deserve the critical drubbing it received? Can you play as your favorite bearish men? In short, yes, it did, and no, you can't. All you need to see about this game is contained in the video. Plus: a bulge-tastic montage. Next up: Legends of Wrestlemania for the 360. Ah, wrestling. Johnny has already covered Capcom's fantastic take on the subject, so let's look at how the WWE has brought together some of the best wrestlers of all time into one game. With Bam Bam Bigelow, Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart, Arn Anderson, King Kong Bundy, Andre the Giant, The Iron Shiek, Nikolai Volkoff, The Rock, and Stone Cold Steve Austin, you're not wanting for hot burly bear wrestlers. Though hopefully you like them well-muscled; most are disturbingly shiny and on steroids. (I mean, more steroids then usual.) Also: Johnny Barnstorm and Wil "Dubs" take on men online in oddly polite encounters! Lastly, UFC Undisputed: is it a fighting game or hardcore bear porn? Seriously, Johnny can't tell. There are just some points during the training where... well... let's just say that it sure looks like the fighters are really, really good friends. And having sex. UFC tries hard to be awful; the soundtrack is about ten decibels louder than any other game out there, and there's about an hour of recorded dialogue of the guy who runs UFC ranting about how it's the ultimate match of the ultimate fighters and they're modern day gladiators, and... ugh. But the game itself? Damn good. Nice to watch. Though the fighters themselves are modeled sans crotches. Weird.



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6 comments:

Drummer Bear said...

I find 2002 Olympic power lifter and silver medalist Damian Damianov (spelled a variety of ways) to be, along with Manolo Martinez, one of the sexiest and most beautiful creatures ever to walk the earth. Thanks, also, for saying what I've always said; that anything which implies or asserts that it's among the manliest of sports instantly brands itself, by its very nature, as indisputably homoerotic. I remember a guy arguing to me that there's nothing gay about the NFL to which I countered, "If it's such a heterosexual sport, then where are all the ladies they're supposed to be tackling?" That got a big "WHOAH!" from the assembled crowd.

Drummer Bear (Mike Fass)
Zangief from "Street Fighter: The Later Years" and "Street Fighter Reunion"

Carl said...

Johnny, if you want to build a hot bear in a sports game, then you should review one of the Madden NFL entries. The build-a-player mode is quite sweet.

Bears in Games said...

Drummer Bear, apparently they don't air the weigh-ins for the NFL anymore, which just strikes me as a shame. The WWF/WWE went through phases of embracing the homoeroticism of their stars to some degree, and then backing away with tedious evening gown and bikini matches with the ladies. I remember when I was a preteen and the WWF mags would have centerfolds of your favorite star, only to be replaced by the women in the late 90s. Boo.

Carl, yeah? I guess I should tackle that some time... any suggestion on what year I should buy? Does 09 have a better character creator than 10, or vice versa?

Drummer Bear said...

The "heterosexualization" of that which is now known as the WWE is the result of publicity surrounding the class action suit brought forward by a group of non-gay wrestlers several years ago who believed that the franchise was a gay "good ol' boys' club" and discriminated against non-gay wrestlers who wanted in. Because the case was apparently settled out of court, no further news was made available by the news media on any large scale. What followed, and I think we all noticed it, was a succession of scantily clad females replacing the star males as the sex symbols of the ring, at least inasmuch as the appearance of the brand's intentions is concerned. For a while, there, it got so feminized, perhaps in the attempt to overcompensate for the adverse publicity, that it was starting to get almost too girly for me to watch anymore. Why such obviously homoerotic sports such as pro wrestling, pro football and MMA (although not nearly so much so) have such a disproportionately large share of closeted players within their ranks makes no sense when the gay male demographic that has always traditionally followed it is so huge and so loyal.

Drummer Bear (Mike Fass)
Zangief from "Street Fighter: The Later Years" and "Street Fighter Reunion"

Carl said...

I first tried Madden NFL 08 on a Playstation 360, but I could not really explore it as it was my nephews' console that they had brought over for Christmas... You could play around with build of individual body parts (arms, legs, chest, butt...), face, etc.

It was enough to get me to buy the '07 for PS2 version, which is not as fancy (e.g. you can't 'design' a face, you choose amongst a whole series of models), but it was still quite flexible.

I would assume that Madden '09 or '10 would have features at least equal to if not better than the '08/XB360 I tried.

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that you can only design a player in 'Superstar' mode, where you simulate the career of an individual player. Any bear so designed will invariably end up as a lineman (O or D), which makes for very repetitive gameplay (line up, snap, tackle. Repeat ad infinitum.)

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